Eleanda

afairytaleforyou:

It’s unfair to favor one Disney movie over another, so I love Aladdin best …

Pinocchio’s head from Pinocchio

Sebastian from The Little Mermaid

Genie says “Dumbo” as he transforms Abu

The Beast from Beauty and the Beast

The stork from Dumbo

Zeus’s temple and the cherub from Hercules

The emperor’s palace from Mulan

Our beloved Goofy

… because it has multiple movies all rolled into one.

So I can’t motivate myself to do anything. at all. it just isn’t working. I would so love to just lay in bed all day without moving. perfectly still. forever.

Most of my break was trying to take care of my grampa. Taking him to the bathroom, helping him up and down, making sure he was drinking correctly, calming him down, and trying to be brave for him. He can’t walk anymore. Walking down the hall kills him. He can’t catch his breath. He can’t eat by himself. It happened in just a little over a week… His faculties broke down. I hate watching, hate seeing and knowing. I hate hurting and seeing him hurt. I hate knowing he’s scared and seeing it in his eyes. I hate not knowing what to say… I hate thinking I’m lying when I tell him that it’s going to be ok. I hate it. My grampa… I hate seeing a breakdown just under the surface on my grama’s face and knowing that I look the same. I hate when he says he’s going to die in his own way since he’s long lost the ability to speak… You get that he’s talking about himself and then he gets out the word die. I hate seeing him so helpless when he was so strong. He has to use a walker but now he can’t even walk. He fell 3 times trying to do regular things like stand. I had to hold him up and walk him to the bathroom. Most of the time half way there he forgets how to walk and his knees start to buckle. You have to coax him into moving, touch his legs and he still might not get it. “Grampa come on you can do it. Your legs grampa. (touch) These things. Yup yup ok that’s it. You can do it. Almost there.” You have to do this while making sure you hold him up so he doesn’t fall. He’s hunched over now. He doesn’t swallow correctly anymore. He needs to be fed because he shakes uncontrollably. Two weeks ago from today. Rite now, 4/6/10, he wasn’t using a walker. He could walk fine, feed himself, stand… There was no fear in his eyes and he wasn’t saying bye every time I walked away. He wouldn’t cry… I wouldn’t cry.

Yesterday morning I almost broke down. He was being helped down the hall using his walker like a wheelchair and he was wheezing. He was helped to the table and even after 15 minutes he was still wheezing like he couldn’t breathe. He was grabbing his chest wincing and gasping. I was holding him trying to calm him, rubbing his chest. He grabbed my hand and kissed it then he looked up at me with his eyes all watery. I couldn’t do anything except hold him closer and tell him I love him. I rubbed his hands to make them warm and kissed his forehead. He was trying to talk to me. I don’t need him to speak english to understand him. He kept saying he loved me and thank you over and over. I stayed with him until Isabel came to help him take a shower. It’s so hard to watch but I won’t leave him alone, not while he’s scared. I love him so much.

I was at the hospital Friday when he opened his eyes. He was really awake. Tio Martin was there and he saw him for the 1st time since he’d been in the hospital. Grampa was like a little baby with the raw love in his eyes, the happiness in his features… He kicked his leg with no other real way of expressing himself. He was so happy to see his son. Tio Martin kept saying “We’re here pop. We’re all here.” Grampa made a small noise in his throat to let Tio know he understood and he just continued to stare at him with SO MUCH love in his eyes and a smile on his face. Everyone’s eyes were watery or crying and nobody looked away. My grampa then turned his head and made an excited noise as he looked each of us in the eye and we had to smile through our tears because our grampa was awake and smiling at us. Some of us said hi others waved and he waved back. It was the last time I saw him not in pain. There were 2 people on either side of him holding his hands. He would squeeze tight and if you tried to move your hands he’d squeeze tighter. I love my grampa. So much. That night he tried to kiss my head through he oxygen mask. I kissed his head instead.

On April 12th, 2010 at approximately 2:30p.m. Jesus Vasquez Torres drew his last breath at St. Agnes hospital. Eli, Desire, Jesse, Lupe, Demetrius, Rachel, Krusty, Sara, Grama, Tio Martin, Tio Roger, Dad, and I were there. He just stopped breathing. He was taking stuttering breaths very far in between when we got there. I think after we got situated I only saw him breathe 5 or 6 times before he didn’t breathe at all. I was still willing him to breathe, still waiting looking briefly at everyone else to see them frozen in time like me. Willing with our entire being that we see his chest rise and fall again. But it didn’t. Tia Tisha walked in and I was in denial. Everyone was quiet until I heard Tio Roger’s sob cut through the air… then I knew. Tia Tisha started to cry and she said softly “should I tell mom…?” We were all crying and someone said “ya.” Tia Tisha said “mom” and when grama looked at her she shook her head, but grama didn’t get it. Then Tia said “he’s gone” and grama broke down. She was crying for a long time, we all were. A priest came in a litle after and we all said a prayer. Eli was hecka crying, I’ve never seen him cry and it made me cry more. I held Krusty because he looked so alone and he clung to me. When Rosie came grampa was already gone. There was a baby born at the exact time he let his last breath go. Both were reminders that this is what life is. Everyone is born and Everyone dies.

I know heaven isn’t in the clouds but when I see a really blue sky with puffy white clouds I think of you. I miss you so much. Grama is finally watching her novelas but I don’t know… it doesn’t feel the same to me either.

I love old people because of you. I just miss you so much. Part of my heart died with you in that hospital room. That day keeps popping into my head. And other ones. Your rosary and the funeral.

You were just so perfectly cute. I miss that. It’s funny grampa how I watched all of us grow up and harden to the world but you made anyone who held your hand into the children we all were to you. All of you grandchildren crumbled with a look in your eyes. You weren’t even sad it was just seeing you in that bed… but you smiled. Rosie was so hard to watch. She crumbled and tried to hold you and you loved her, everyone knew you did, but you weren’t there anymore. The power went out after you died but I wasn’t there for that part. Did you see grama? When you died? She cried so hard. We all loved you so much grampito. I’ll never forget anything about you. I see your face behind my eyes every time I close them. I’ve never met an old person cuter than you. Don’t think I ever will. I hope you knew how much I loved you when you were here. I’ll never say how sorry I am that I didn’t go that day. The day you fell. One of the many times you fell. I love you grampa and I loved you then. I’ll love you for the rest of my life even though your gone.

When things get emotional it’s always nice to feel like you have someone to lean on. A significant other kind of someone. I think that’s when I feel the weakest and apparently April is the month for dying. Everyone seems to think so at least. Most of my life I thought April to be generally uneventful. hah. Still wish it was.

“All my twisted thoughts free flow to everlasting memories, so slow…we say to those who are in love it can’t be true cause we’re to young, I know that’s true because so long I was so in love with you so I thought… fight the tears with pretty smiles and lies about the times…” -flyleaf

Really you would think that I could tolerate being spoken to by him without getting all emotional but… I can’t. Even on facebook if he talks to me I lose my mind. I’ve only been in love with him i dunno… maybe since 7th grade or something… no biggie… what’s 7 years? Damn him for being awesome. We hardly talk now but every time we do… it takes 2 weeks to get over, even if I say nothing back. I don’t love him. He doesn’t mean a thing. It’s not his fault that I’m not in the marching band. It’s not his fault that I don’t trust even the nicest of guys. It’s not his fault for anything. I could never love him. it’s not possible.